The Christmas Present.

So… I’ve told you how I am in seclusion for my own peace after going through so much in such a little time. I have been exhausted.

After my surgery, I got this job with kids that I love so very much… I have gotten attached to all these amazing kids! I feel like they are partially MY kids.

Right after that I needed a home… immediately. Ok well, I didn’t have alot…

I found a lady on Craigslist… she had a place – a tiny place and kinda run down… but it was a home for me and the kids … I don’t care what it is… I just needed a home and is all I could afford and what I could get into right away …

I liked her anyway, she had breast cancer like I did … and she lost her husband the same year I lost my father … we kinda hit it off and she’s been really amazing to me!!

So then my place had a leak and then I lost power because water got into the electrical… we staying at another kinda crappy property…

I haven’t really told her (or you, my full story yet) but she knows bits and pieces.

Well last month was Thanksgiving… I did not work the full month because of the holiday … so I am a little short 😭…

I have been desperately trying to find other work I am able to do and still handle dropping off and picking up kids and my right arm and breast kinda has problems from the breast cancer stuff.

I texted her just now to tell her – I have $500 I can give her tmrw … and then I have some other money coming in few days, I apologized and said I would pay her as soon as I am able… I always follow through and have always paid on time and in full. I am very trustworthy and honest.

Her response – makes me just cry… good cry and I am touched and there are amazing people out there …

She said … December is on me, I feel like you are family, and I know you haven’t been feeling well, so consider December as my Christmas present to you

😭😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️

I didn’t think I was going to have anything for my kids or what would happen to us. I am just completely touched and I can’t help but cry … again a good cry – not bad … I’m just a crier with these things – I can’t stop crying… but I am not sad

So yeah, I have angels around me ❤️

I have other things to talk about but I’m just little emotional with that right now ❤️ I’ll be back – just let me absorb ✌️

Exhausted!

This will be a quick post… I have been awake since 4am!

The rain somehow completely shorted out my house – so NO electricity… electrician came out today and yeah there is a problem. Water came in somewhere and is shorting whole house… they will come look later in week.

Well my landlord has another vacant property – luckily… literally just went vacant last week!!! (What are chances of that, and I need now… so someone is watching out for me!!)

So today I spent all day cleaning it, so it would be really nice for the kids, and moved some of our stuff over. I am completely exhausted!!

Yeah more life stuff to deal with at the moment …

Also… I am not feeling very well… I can NOT be sick- I just have this week and next week to work – then I am off until January 😩 (sounds nice, but I need to work – I’m gonna have to take side jobs or something during that time)

Then, this Thursday my daughter has a Christmas concert for band… she plays the tuba ❤️

So yeah, I can not get sick… sorry life, I am not going to be sick!! I’ve been drinking tea, taking meds, taking a ton of vitamin C… and some people in my life are giving me recipes for things to make it go away lol

All this cold and rain… 🤨 … yeah see – summer is way better … I need to be in Hawaii lol (I wish!)

I should have more time tmrw to write a better post. I can barely see, my eyes hurt because they are so tired, and I’m feeling a little run down, I have a cold or something coming on? It was quite the day with all that. I’ll be back tmrw though ✌️

Have a good night 💤

Heavy stuff

Any down time I have, I want to try to fix some things. Or improve areas of myself… like that fear, panic etc… I don’t want those there – I want to remove them. I do not want my life to be ruled by them- I want to be free … I want to be strong … and I want to build myself strong enough to take more of whatever life is going to dish out. Good or bad… I just like to brace myself and be ready for the bad. All the bad in past 3 years just was one right after the other and left me breathless

But I don’t want those things controlling my life. So I want to try to figure out how to reset that… I would like to go back to factory installed settings? Wouldn’t that be nice – just hit reset. Lol – I wish

Ok… so I’m not very trusting towards men… friendly helpful and kind? yes… but I don’t trust them, am afraid to let anyone come in, and I am kind of fearful. I went through many years of fear and hurt. I always believed he did love me. If it came down to it… medically he’d hold my hand, he would be there. I had been there “always” for him. So I stood by him, took it. I believed it would get better.

The first surgery I ever had … 2013 … I had just come out of surgery… I don’t drink, do drugs or anything … but in surgery they give you a lot of drugs… they put me out and I had painkillers, who knows what else… anyway, he picked me up from the hospital and we came home. I laid down on the couch to sleep. I couldn’t do anything, I was so drugged up and hurting, I just wanted to sleep. My system was not used to all the medications.

He cooked himself a burrito, not even taking care of the kids, and that smell – mixed with all the medications – oh boy, my body was like “nope”

So I ran to the bathroom and VIOLENTLY started throwing up, I had never thrown up so violently in my entire life! I missed the toilet by just a little at first, but not a lot… and then once I was in there I made sure not to miss, I didn’t want a huge mess.

I have 3 kids – all birthed naturally – so because the throwing up was SO violent, it was also making me pee at the same time and there was just a horrific mess!! I had no control!

My whole chest was wrapped – I had just had surgery… Oh my god! I will never forget that… in between the violent throwing up i was yelling for help… I didn’t want to split my stitches

What did he do? He stood over me, tell me what a stupid B I was, look at this mess I created that he would have to clean up. As if I did it on purpose. I did not. And I thought he was going to kick me or hurt me, he had before, I just needed help.

When he said that to me, well fuck that… this was the one thing I thought he would hold my hand with – medical issues… instead just annoyance – no compassion, no care, no love.

When he said that he was gonna have to clean up my disgusting mess… my response was … “don’t do me any favors, I’ll do it myself”

He went off to bed. I cleaned the bathroom, still in pain, still sick, and still drugged up. Fuck it … if you can’t have compassion for a human being – much less your wife and the mother of your children… don’t do me any favors.

It was that moment – I realized I needed out… I was also afraid – we had kids. I just didn’t know how I was going to do this.

I can see that scene like it was yesterday. When I remember these things – and I’m telling this story… all those emotions from that very moment flood in. That is hard.

We had been together since we were kids. He had a lot of time to “condition” the situation.

I come from an Irish Catholic family – very old world… I was raised with a very strong Irish catholic upbringing… my dads mother was from Lithuania… I remember my great grandmother would say the rosary a lot… she only spoke Lithuanian and my grandparents had a statue of the Virgin Mary in the backyard that she would always be kneeled down in front of.

My life growing up was all that… Irish/Lithuanian/Catholic – I was severely sheltered and protected… however, let me also add this… I had a wonderful amazing incredible childhood – filled with wonder and laughter and the belief the world was good, people were good. I believed in love. I was loved. We were not exposed to anything bad or hurtful.

My parents … my mother is Irish, and my father is Irish AND Lithuanian. They met when they were 15… had an amazing incredible loving life together. They adored each other. So I do know what Love looks like – you stand behind it strongly – you just have to make sure you give that love to someone who deserves it.

Being Catholic made me not believe in divorce – only in the instance of Adultery. I truly believed in love. You can get through anything, if there is love – if you are united. It can’t just be one side. How do you even hurt anyone? I can’t ever imagine hurting someone, anyone – even a complete stranger. So that sorta stuff I had no experience with or knowledge of.

Well anyway… in 2014 – a year after my first surgery … a woman showed up at my door. To tell me she had been having a 5 year affair and let me know what they were doing together. She was also married and she had 2 kids. She said she is trying to make it work with her husband and felt the need to come clean so she may move on. Oh gee thanks

But then “that”, in my catholic eyes – freed me… I could leave now, and it wouldn’t be a sin… I could be free and done… no guilt.

I remember… it knocked the wind out of me … I just cried for 2 weeks… one day, I was still crying and then I thought something…

Ok… I want change – how do I get that… I want out… how do I do it? If nothing changes, nothing will change … so I started to plan my way out. I asked him to leave – but he would not… so I was going to have to do this.

I will tell you what I did another time, these memories are a little draining…

I do remember the first time he ever hit me. We had been married for awhile… it was 2004 when he hit me the first time, and we had been married since 1995.

What he used to do, was get mad at me for everything… he would ride on any insecurities and emotions and take those and twist things so I was always doing wrong or a bad person. I always want to be a good person… I never want to hurt or harm anyone… and this was my husband, I wanted to make him happy. So whatever he was mad at, I would try to fix.

He hated that I would get hit on all the time, even with him there… I never ever welcomed it – I have always been very quiet and I don’t want any of that attention … I have gotten it my whole life. I have always stayed away from that… my dad was very protective in regards to boys – boys started chasing when I was 11… and since then it was always an issue… and then here my husband is … and again it’s an issue…

So ok… I will avoid all circumstances at all costs… and I tried. I didn’t want my husband insecure with that stupid stuff – I married him because I loved him – plain and simple. I just wanted to be a family and build a life with him.

But you can’t control other people so it’s gonna happen. Well, one night we were at a neighborhood party that some friends were throwing. I was quiet because a lot was going on at home and whatever … so I just stayed in the kitchen with the women…

One man, who coincidently was a doctor… kept trying to talk to me… well my husband was there so no way… every time he would come over to me, I would go to the other side of the kitchen and try to pawn him off on another woman – Oh my god! Please get away from me…

Well my husband walked into the kitchen just as he was trying to talk to me… and my husband went off on me, “I led him on”… and saying horrible things to me in front of everyone. I swear I did not… i wanted nothing to do with that man… I did everything I could to get him away from me! But my husband didn’t believe me…

The doctor tried to stick up for me and say, she’s right… she wouldn’t talk to me… I kept following her… trying to talk to her.

That just enraged him more… and he asked the doctor to step outside. Are you kidding me? I want no part of that – so I said I’m going home. And I walked home, which was only about a block away.

We had a babysitter, and I paid her and sent her home. Then went to get ready for bed… the kids were asleep.

I heard the front door, swing open and hit the wall, then slam… he burst through the bedroom door, grabbed me and threw me across the room. I hit the wall really hard and fell on the floor.

I am 5’7”… 120. He is 6’ and 230… it was nothing for him.

When I fell on the floor, he jumped over the bed and then just started beating me as I laid there… I thought he was going to kill me… the look in his eyes was glazed over like he wasn’t even there… and I was in shock… I never thought he would be a man that could do that. Evidentially he was.

The only thing that got him to stop was me… begging for my life. Please don’t kill me. As I cried

After that, he got in my face again, to tell me what a worthless piece of shit I was… and I said in return … I should call 911. Well that made him angrier… and he said really bitch? Let me do that for you – he dialed it… then hung up.

Well they have to come check when there is a hang up… the officer came to the door and my husband cracked it open. I heard the cop say “everything ok?” … and my husband replied “yeah on of the kids was playing with the phone, we just got home sorry” … and that was it. The officer left

If he saw the bedroom or me… it would have been bad… I was a stay at home mom. If he went to jail there went his job. So what do you do? And I was young and in shock over what just happened. That was the first time ever. I was a deer in headlights.

I completely avoided all contact with any man… I didn’t want any issues or problems. So just remove that factor.

I am stuck with that particular conditioning now – which is why I find it so hard when I am hit on.

Not only has it caused me pain, it’s been an issue for most of my life. I run from it and it only chases me harder.

At what point does it stop??? And then how do I get over things like that… heavy emotions are tied to it, hurt, pain… so yeah I’m trying to fix these things so I can breathe again always – I want nothing crushing me or hurting me ever again.

So anyway… that’s just a small glimpse into these issues I am trying to fix. I’ll get there – in time … I’m a little slow. Working through it. But I am determined… I know what I want.

I made my life peaceful at this moment, so that I may get over or through these things and take my life back.

I haven’t really spoken about the abuse before. It’s hard. Maybe if I let it out, I can move past it? Release it? I don’t want to carry that pain anymore. I am tired

Well whatever, that’s some of it. A million times I wanted to write today. And I would write these big long posts and cry and then think “no wait.. I’m not ready” and I would delete it and start again … well when am I going to be ready?

I try to think of it like diving into a pool… if you feel the water first and it’s cold… you are going to be hesitant to jump in.

But if you hold your breath and just jump… it’s not that I feel a fear telling these things – it’s more so incredibly personal things that cause heavy emotions and I am throwing out there – I am allowing it to be told.

And I have that stupid part of me that is like “wait!!! You are not ready” … so fuck it… I wanna be ready. I need to fix these things – I want to be free from it. I don’t want to continue to carry that heaviness. So I am about to hold my breath… and hit publish. Whew ok… don’t think about it- just do it!!! Hardest thing ever. I feel like… vulnerable and at mercy speaking of it…

But is ok… people go through things… and maybe help someone else ? Or someone can relate ? I dunno, I just need to fix and get over things. So there is some of it. Bleh

Have a good night 💤

Movies!

I procrastinated a little bit more after the last post. I had talked to one of my friends… all she did was say another storm coming – and off I went lol … I had no idea another storm was moving in 🤨… I have to pay better attention to my weather apps!!!

I had to get everything done before the storm came in! So I did. Everything is clean, I have food, my buckets and towels are ready… bring on the storm.

It’s going to be ALL weekend LONG … ugghhhhhh … and this is why I am a summer girl!!!

Anyway… me and the kids were going to have our normal game night … but I was preparing … so instead we went to a late night movie…

Here is the twist … my oldest son – (25) is a music major… so the movie “Frozen” – he totally loved… he was entranced by the soundtrack… so we just went to see Frozen 2…

And then my girl … my only girl, who will be 13 in a week… she is extremely anti Disney 🤨… she calls it a cash grab – thinks it’s about the “almighty dollar” lol 🤨🙄 … and the biggest reason she’s mad at Disney is for throwing away a game she loved. “ToonTown” – we used to play. She now plays “ToonTown rewritten” but she forever is mad at Disney for that lol

Anyway… we went to see Frozen 2… ok my critique? …

Oh my god! There were a lot of songs… song after song 🤨😄… yes I am aware Frozen is known for their soundtrack and very musical… My son loves Idina Menzel, who sings in Frozen and Frozen 2 – he loves her voice

I can understand that… there is a voice I have always loved … the most beautiful voice I have ever heard is and was Karen Carpenter. I really love her voice – so I can understand my son on that.

And the story of Frozen 2 was cute … but it was very lack luster compared to the original Frozen … ahhh sequels … it could have been just too many songs for me and not as amazing as the first?

I don’t want to say too much about the movie itself because some may not have seen and want to – I don’t want to ruin it.

It was good. ALOT of songs lol… I am not really a musical type person – I love music but not musicals – maybe “Grease” lol ✌️ … there might be one more I like? But that’s it.

And while we were waiting for the movie – ya know how they show you advertisements and upcoming movies …

Oh my god! They are doing Hanna Barbera movies ❤️ first out … Scooby Doo!!!

They are going to be doing Captain Caveman, the Flintstones, the Jetsons… etc all the Hanna Barbera cartoons!

That will be cool to see! What is old is new again.. Scooby looked like would be good, so we shall see.

Oh yeah – and the best part was … it’s pouring rain… it started pouring when we left to go to movies … the movie started at 9:40pm… there was no one on the roads – just us lol

And then we had the entire movie theater to ourselves … Oh my god! So awesome!!! We could talk and whatever …

I said … how come no one is out? It raining!!! What better thing to do than to go to movies when it’s crappy out

And my son says – “because mum, no one wants to go out in the rain.”

Well whatever – California people 🙄 … bonus for us!!

We got big popcorns and huge giant JUGS of soda. We never finish either one but whatever – family time. ❤️ I love that!

So… I did pretty bad ass today… went and did everything – am situated so storm shouldn’t be a problem … and we had an awesome family night.

It’s really late!! 😮 I haven’t been out this late in a long time.

I am off to bed, have a good night 💤

Bleh!

I have zero motivation today. 🤨 it’s a day off 🤨… I have a million things to do. And should be doing …

I need things from Home Depot. I don’t want to go. I’m gonna get hit on for sure. So I cringe and it makes me feel overwhelmed.

I try any excuse to avoid 🤨 … well I have to do this or that first, and I am slow moving today. You could say I am dragging my feet. I don’t wanna

I have to… so I’m trying to talk myself into it.

I try to plan… such as envisioning where in the store my items would be. Get in, Get that… be fast… it’ll be fine.

I’m just really tired. That’s all.

But see? I don’t like that… “being hit on” … so I go severe and stay away or try to avoid any kind of situation.

I do this with anything that makes me feel a panic? I want to stay away from that. So I try to avoid it. Severely. (Funny thing is the more I avoid – the more it is 🤨)

I don’t like being poked by doctors – so I “want” to avoid that too…

Anything over my head bad. It makes me feel sick.

It’s just… after that final surgery… I needed to breathe.

And with boobs (which are not huge at all, fits my frame perfect) but that doesn’t help me to NOT be hit on 🤨 … it only made it worse!!!

With the death losses I went through and the abuse and the divorce, and then my mom with Alzheimer’s and then me with the cancer – Oh my god! Stop!!!!!

So now… I am avoiding or trying to anything that’s going to give me that terror feeling or sadness – I am tired.

I told myself – it’s self care… it’s fine, I am allowed. I need to readjust. Am trying – not there yet. Just need the peace right now.

I do not trust. Well I do, but if it’s caused pain, terror, panic, or sadness… nope… I block it out and I don’t want to deal with it. No one is allowed to die right now – cause I can’t take another one. I need a break from seeing doctors. I don’t want to hear anymore bad news. I miss having my mom like I used to. I just really miss my mom- my heart just breaks. I was not ready.

And then there it is… I’m not ready – life does not care about that!!! You gonna get what you get and you have to learn how to deal and how to handle. There are things we are forced to accept whether we are ready or not. Bleh 🤨

My daughters kindergarten teacher, from years ago, used to say… “you get what you get and don’t throw a fit” lol – that used to make me laugh… and I would use that myself lol ✌️ – she would roll her eyes, crinkle her nose and tell me how much she hated that lol … but we would laugh ❤️ it was cute and funny

… and then there is the other aspect of it… if it has brought laughter or enjoyment or patience or love or happiness, anything like that… yup… I am pulled right to it!!! Like a moth to light… I want that. I want a life of that.

I know I have to fix that. Not really sure how. So right now, I’m just kinda breathing ? I feel like I have not had a real breath in a long time. I have not felt safe or secure.

So I know what I’m doing by taking a moment – but I need to learn how to better deal with certain things.

I can’t stay in peace like this forever. Right? It’s bad right?

I need to learn how to get past the panic. Whew ok… Home Depot 😳 … ugghhhh

Do they deliver to the country ? Lol kidding – doing it myself

I don’t like any of the things I mentioned – but I also do not want life to control me.

I want to be like a Phoenix – and rise from the ashes .. so like that… I’ll be damned if anything gonna stop me now.

I am Irish – I don’t have a temper (I am exhausted by those) … but I do have a cocky fire occasionally… I think I can take on anything … and then life is like “oh yeah? How about this?” Ok ok … mercy!!!

Ok – I’m just going to keep procrastinating so – I’m going… I’m just going to shut up about it and do it. There are things in life you don’t want to do or deal with, but have to be handled… so ok. 🤨 fricken adulting 🤨

Bleh!!!

I forgot this…

Oh yeah, and I forgot one huge part of my day…

Yesterday when I was hurting, I was talking to one of the younger teachers – she’s only 30…

I mentioned I was hurting and was probably because of the rain and air pressure ?? She asked why? So I told her…. I’ve had a full mastectomy with reconstruction – just as I told her, a parent came in to chat with her about their child.

As she walked away yesterday she said to me, with a shocked look… we have to talk – I wanna hear your story.

Well I forgot all about that today… and she came to me and said … ok so what were you saying?

What? About what? Lol

And she reminded me… so I told her what happened.

She wanted to know everything – how did I know? What did it feel like? What was the mastectomy like? Do I like the implants? Etc.

So I told her everything … I had Ductal carcinoma … cancer of the milk ducts.

I had a double “LUMPectomy” in 2013 – which was supposably only papillomas- not harmful but needed to be removed – I didn’t know they were there … what happened was …

One night I woke up, and I was covered in blood, like I had been stabbed or something … I looked for wounds or whatever and there was nothing – the blood was coming from my nipple on the right side. Oh my god! Talk about terrifying.

So anyway that was 2013.

Then I did feel the lumps cause they were aching and hurting me, that was August of 2018…

I went in and again they did a triple lumpectomy (there were 3 this time). They removed all 3 masses at that time.

Maybe 2 weeks later I got a phone call from my doctor saying … we need to talk about your pathology report. I knew right away when he said that it was going to be bad. They didn’t do that the time before.

I have no history of breast cancer in my family at all – I am the very first.

So… then after that… it was just a whirlwind. I didn’t even have time to process everything before they were rushing me into surgery again, this time for the mastectomy.

She asked me questions about all of it… and I am very honest so I told her… I even showed her the photos. The bad ones from right after.

I explained how if I had to do again – yes I would still do the reconstruction. It would have been too devastating with everything, for me to have not done that… and it was offered to me by the insurance so why not.

She then tells me that… she doesn’t understand how to check for lumps… and she doesn’t know what she is looking for – but she has a pain and ache in one of her breasts. She also has NO history of breast cancer in her family

This is why I can easily tell the medical story even with the emotions behind it… if I can save someone else or help them – I want that.

I told her to just go in and have them check … usually they don’t want to do a mammogram or whatever to younger women – but they really need to… I know women in their 20’s with breast cancer

It does not matter who you are or how old you are…

She said she will go in.

It is hard to know what the lumps feel like … but is best if she is having a pain and ache in one breast – yes please go get checked!! I caught mine early … I am lucky.

But I forgot about that from today. You don’t mess with cancer – better safe than sorry

Know your body! So yeah, any chance I get to speak to someone about it- yes I am going to inform them…

And it was a little funny, I told her about the desensitizing… and she laughed and said she had a friend who got implants, but not because she was sick… and she kept showing everyone lol

I definitely don’t do that, but I understand … it’s not really you anymore… and then so many doctors have to see and touch – so you get to a point where so many have seen and touched, who cares anymore and you forget how normal people feel about it lol

Funny how that works.

I had one of my own girlfriends who had implants at same time – but again she was not sick like I was – she has saline and I have silicone and we sat there “here feel mine, does it feel like yours?” Lol omg too funny – makes me laugh to remember

Ok good night for real this time – I am pretty sure that is everything lol ✌️

How the day went …

So much went on today. I got to work late again! Woo hoo!! Yay!! I love when that happens! I get more hours and get to be with kids – whom I just adore!!!!!!! I really love these kids!!! ❤️

So let’s see… I was not going to cover the shift? I didn’t think they needed me, yesterday they said they didn’t need me but today they did, was a lot going on – so yes please!! I took it… as much as I can when I can. (I have to pay the bills, ya know) I enjoy it anyway, so bonus all around!!

Our server was down today – Oh my god! Can you say frustrating!! Oh wow!! That was fun – everyone freaking out lol

It is kinda funny how dependent people are on technology lol… how did we ever live before that?? Lol

And the kids today… we were on break and talking about phones and I was telling them – back when I was a teenager – we had one land line … no cell phones, no computers, nada – and when you called my house to talk to me, you had to go through my parents first, and if you were a boy – nope not allowed 😄😄 … that is a mortifying thought for today’s kids lol – it was just funny to see their faces with how it used to be… oh how times have changed!! These people even have watches connected to internet … I had Atari and Nintendo woo hoo! … I still have the original 16 bit Sega Genesis, games and all lol

Then, I had to deal with my own cell phone, because they are charging me for some service I don’t even have… so they are correcting it thankfully! Cause yeah I am not paying for that!! You have to watch these people like a hawk!

After that, well I have told you that I dropped off the face of the earth with everyone. I just went silent. I do speak to family… because they will have a welfare check done if I don’t 🤨… I know they love me and wanna make sure I am ok… I am. It’s just been a lot, and I just want peace for a minute that’s all.

Well, there are a handful of people that I love dearly who are not family. They are “LIKE” family – my actual family is on the East Coast, 3000 miles away… so these others are family that I made out here, myself, on the west coast. I am far from my blood family. I only have the family of friends that I have created, out here.

I have a girlfriend (much older than me) I am very close to for over 20 years and she is dear to me, like a older sister, and her whole family… she has a brother that when I was going through really excruciating hard times – he helped me by letting me come help organize things for him and help him clean house. He paid me for that. I needed help and he did too – so it worked. That was right after I left.

He had a girlfriend at the time who had stage 4 cancer… she needed help too. I did anything I could… I would go clean her house for her and take her to chemo appts and sit with her… she paid me too. Not a lot, but she knew my situation. She died this past February 2019.

Well I am now living more than an hour from him. So I don’t get to visit alot. But I check on him from time to time to make sure he is doing ok and I know since losing her, he is very lonely. So I call him from time to time, to make sure he is doing ok.

And he is kind to me too… there is only a friend/family type relationship… so nothing romantic or anything… although I can be blind to that sometimes ??? …Alot – but I really think he just needs a friend and like I said he’s been kind to me too, when I needed it.

He keeps checking in to make sure I am ok… I don’t mind it when he does it – I enjoy the convos and we laugh a lot and tell stories.

He texted me tonight… he’s always so polite and texts me first… I like that. He makes sure I am not busy. That is very appreciated.

I called him back when I got home and we chatted. It was nice.

I have been really lonely – and it’s gets dark by 4:30/5pm… and I still want my peace and I’m too young to be going to bed THAT early!!! Lol… and I am not ready to come back yet… but I have been lonely (my doing)

And… well… I am still kinda recovering from the abuse I’ve been through… and I don’t trust blah blah blah…

I am very pretty and I look a lot younger than what I actually am… so I get hit on all the time… I can’t go anywhere without being hit on… the only time I am not hit on – is when I am at school ❤️ I love being at school!

I try to avoid these things – I am not ready. It’s almost like the more I try to avoid something the more it comes at me!! So yeah… I couldn’t take everything that had happened and then everyone coming at me… so like I told you – I went silent and I’m not ready to come back yet and I am definitely leery of men. I just need time. (If they would stop hitting on me then I would be ok… I have had stalkers and all of it) So now I just avoid and keep to myself… as much as humanly possible.

In stores, or places – I try to hurry so no one can catch me… but they still do… always. Tonight, as a matter of fact, I had to stop at the grocery store … and I had made it through the entire store without being hit on… while I was leaving some young guy says to me “where did you get that”

Well it caught my attention because I thought he was sincerely asking … so it made me turn around and say “What?” …

To which he replied “…that good looking” 🤨 … it was a “line” … yeah whatever … and I kept walking – nope, I want no part of that!!! Speak to me like a person – then you might have a chance. Use a line, and forget it – I’m not even giving the time of day.

I am not rude or mean ever!!! I am a people pleaser – I am always respectful friendly and kind … I am helpful to others and do whatever I can for anyone in need… it’s just when you are hit on all the time non-stop… it gets old really quick!!! Especially if you want no part of it. I am just trying to heal. And I would really like to be spoken to like a person – don’t give me lines … that makes me not trust immediately. Nope!! Good bye

Anyway… this guy friend of mine – he doesn’t threaten me in any way… I don’t feel guards up or anything – and we just have a friendship… so I am at ease – I think we are both just lonely for friends at this moment. So that was really nice to talk to him tonight. Again JUST friends! He’s kinda like a older brother? He calls me his little sister lol – I am adopted into their family for a long time. ❤️ Very non- threatening – and I feel like I can be at ease.

I did want to try to get into my heavy tonight – but nah… I’ve had a pretty good day today… so let’s not do that. Lol ✌️… I will, just not tonight. I like to keep a balance of good vs bad.

So wah lah… that was my day. Now I am home – it is NOT raining lol… and I am all cozy warm and happy. So I’m gonna end it with that!

Have a good night 💤🌙

Pain with Rain

It’s rainy again today. I hurt today. They say sometimes it’s because of the barometric pressure when you have had surgeries ?? I don’t know if that’s true – but I do really hurt.

It’s my breasts. My left side, the side I call my good side, is only hurting slightly. My right breast is hurting massively! That was the breast that had a lot of trauma and cancer. Many surgeries on that side. I have a big scar that goes from the cleavage at the top of my breast, all the way to my underarm – and they took lymph nodes too. That whole breast and area is bothering me really badly today. The pain is on my mind because it’s constant.

Breasts were never a big part of my life before and now I am getting used to them always being a thing 🤨…

Here is something kinda weird … maybe is normal – I have no idea… I have had a full mastectomy, both sides – and reconstruction. It’s cold out … my body heat is normal… but my breasts are cold!!!!!!! 🤨 I don’t understand that.

Before all this happened, I had worn those breast forms once or twice for a special occasion or whatever – I am thin. But they always heated up to body heat… these are INSIDE!! Why are they not heating up??

They took everything. Nerves and all – so I have no feeling. I can feel the coldness when you touch them. (Or if they hurt or ache – I just had the final surgery in July) – on a quick side note- sometimes I get itches that I can’t get to because these things are in the way!!!!!!!!!! I still getting used to it. Just different. I am happy I did the reconstruction though…

I would do it again despite everything… I needed it for me. Thank god I did – because after the mastectomy – well let’s just say if I ever posted those pictures anywhere – you immediately can feel emotion. My whole chest was gone and purple with tubes and ugh just awful. That makes me cry to remember – so yeah I would do the reconstruction again. Just still getting used to. They do look nice… better than I had before. Was emotional to go through and then getting use to them is a little weird. I have silicone, so they are soft and feel nice. I didn’t want the saline because the shell had ridges and it didn’t feel nice… my body would have rejected that in a second lol … but I like them. They help me feel better personally. Still emotional though. I don’t date yet, so only doctors, girlfriends and my oldest son has seen them (he took care of me after my final surgery)

But yeah, I hurt today a lot. I should probably call the doctor. In my mind, all I want to do is try that online doctor again lol… can I just do that??

One thing I hate… every since I was having lumps and issues … these drs (thousands of them) have to keep touching me!!! I don’t like that!!! Every-time I went in, was a different doctor. They all had to touch and feel and poke, blah blah blah. I used to be modest… but that desensitizes you. I really hated it!!

I once took my 12 year old to the dr with me… because it is good for her to know… and if I can teach her about these life things now – maybe won’t be so scary if she ever has to go through.

So she came with me, I got in my robe. The doctor came in and he was touching and stuff – behind him, I see her making judgmental faces lol… so I am trying not to laugh while the doctor is doing his thing lol.

After the appointment I asked her what she was thinking and she had one word… “creeper” lol

I said “well he’s helping me – that’s his job“

And she said… “I bet he only became that kind of doctor so he can touch boobs” 🤨🙄😄 she’s too funny – she makes me laugh so much ❤️ my little lady ❤️

After being desensitized, I once said … why can men be without a shirt when some have man boobs? But women can’t?

One of my sons said, “because mum… no one gets turned on by man boobs” lol …I got funny kids ❤️ point taken lol

One bonus thing that I get from all this – is I NEVER have to have a mammogram done again!! They can’t now. Yay!!!! Wooo hooo!!! But I do have to do chest X-rays in replacement of – but I will take that over mammograms any day!!!

So ok… I probably should call my actual doctor ☹️ … I am hesitating because I don’t want to. I don’t want to be touched or bothered or deal with it, or see a doctor. So yeah I should probably call while I think I have the nerve.

I might be back later, this is not what I wanted to write about today… I’m just in pain so it’s on my mind. 🤨 bleh

Speaking

Last night I finished the first part of my project thing. I am adding to it now. I really hate this project – I am forcing myself!! I do not want to do it!! Mainly because is associated with stuff that makes me panic massive and I have no belief in anymore. But whatever – I have to do it, so I guess, no use complaining about it. And I’ve started, so now I’m going on it.

Just a pain in the ass cause I don’t wanna do it! Adulting, and doing it! Dammit

So whatever. Not everything can be unicorns and rainbows. (My elementary kids are wicked into unicorns lol)

This morning when I left for work, I stepped out into pea soup! Oh my god! It was soo foggy!!

Stayed like that through the morning … and then… sunlight broke through … it was glorious!! I went for a walk at lunch… ohhhh sun!!! Please don’t go!!! Reminds me suddenly of that song .. “Please Don’t Go” by Double You

Sun, I love you sooo, I… I want you to know… That I am gonna miss your love the minute you walk out that door!! Please don’t go! 🎶

It just made me think of that song. I love that song. Yeah, I didn’t want the sun to go away today!! That’s the perfect song about the sun today!!

Well, it went away, and fog is creeping back in now. So whatever – “life”

I go slow… because it was getting dark already before I even left work 🤨 … and then driving through the woods to my house in the dark, cold and fog … I have to high beam it and try to see through the fog.

I am glad I go slow, 2 deer dashed in front of my car – full on sprint 🤨 … so yeah – thankful for going slow! I have to watch closely for that sorta stuff – there are also raccoons, and skunks… we also have rattle snakes – but I haven’t seen any. They usually come out in the summer. It’s like living in a wild life preserve lol

I got to work extra hours today at work!! Woo hoo! That’s why I had to come home in the dark.

I don’t like night driving. Kinda hurts my eyes. And then you have these people, who just keep their brights on… umm hello – blinded over here!!

Well anyway.

I like my peace … I really really do… and I’m so exhausted from some stuff – so I have been silent with all my people – I went completely silent – just boom – nothing. I answer family – cause those people send swat to make sure I am still alive 🤨

But I kinda need the peace? Went through so much. So I dunno. I just shut down ? Not badly – just for a minute, shut down.

I had stopped everything – tv, internet all of it …and then I just went silent with all my people. It’s been since July.

There are times – I really love the peace – and I love not being hurt or not being sick, not being at someone’s mercy, etc… so in those things – the peace is just incredible!! I haven’t been able to breathe like this in a long time.

And I’m still going through ALOT of things that I have a hard time with..

It’s funny though because … when I had the cancer – I just laid it out to my family and friends – and the outpouring was incredible!! I wish could be like that for everyone everyday – not just when someone is sick… they were so comforting, loving and caring … I reached out and boom they there. I felt loved. I know I am loved.

But now, I don’t feel comfortable laying out this stuff I have a hard time with – it feels WAY more personal… and yeah I don’t feel comfortable saying anything … so I just withdrew and went quiet.

I had reached a point where … too much went on… I needed silence and I needed the peace. Just give me space for a moment. I stayed strong all this time, just give me a moment.

So anyway, I do need the moment. I lost my dad, my grandfather, my grandmother… all boom boom boom… and then my Mom has Alzheimer’s, we had to take control – and then I had the cancer – yeah, I need to breath for a minute. Those were some pretty heavy hits. On top of still being a mother and divorcing my abuser, who has been awful through everything … so yeah I can’t – I need a minute

I have my kids (my own and the ones at school) and they are amazing… I LOVE being a mother, and being around kids. I absolutely love being with them … I feel a comfort but my own kids, they are growing up and getting lives (🙄😄)

I do miss all my people and other things … but I am not ready just yet. I need a little time… but I will be ready to come back… I am just taking a breath. I got KO’ed for a minute lol

I still have who I am, I still have my strength, I still have a deal of spirit… I also keep my humor.

With the humor thing – if I am speaking of something heavy to me… you will always see a joke or something like that in there… I have to do that, so it isn’t so heavy. You know, break it up. It just helps me. It’s automatic.

Humor and comedy… really helped me stay strong through many things.

Well anyway, so that just came pouring out 🤨 but yeah… that’s where it is… I just need peace for a minute – let me regroup, and I’ll be back.

I am already strong, and I do love life very much, I am a happy, positive, optimistic type person. I just need to gather myself again.

I dunno. I just need time.

I miss them. All my people. But at the same time – I need the peace still – just for right now.

I have my day to day life… the school … my own kids… right now I just have to get through this LAST part. And I am terrified and then I don’t trust either, so I feel like I have to be guarded.

Well anyway, I need the peace but at the same time – I dunno. I do miss them – I’m not ready yet. I will, I promise – just let me get through this next part.

But it is weird… that medically even though I am still emotional with it- I can easily speak about it… Even in the beginning I could.

My heavy stuff – I just can’t … like the abuse and stuff like that or related to that- I can’t speak freely with? So just a little observation.

And then I have this thing, where I avoid things that make me panic – so all the heavy stuff makes me panic – I want to avoid as much as humanly possible. Also knowing that eventually I have to turn and face it… because it’s gonna haunt me always, if I dont. bleh

So whatever – life is gonna come. I am just regrouping. No need to call swat lol – I’ll be back.

This is helping me though. So I’ll keep this. I won’t isolate with this, and then maybe I can speak better ? I am unknown here, so there is a peace to that.

Ok well enough for tonight. I am worn out from the elementary/middle school today! … high school again tmrw.

Ya know, people don’t realize tiny things that can brighten someone else’s world even just a little bit – these kids just brighten my world and they don’t even know! They make a mark on my life. ❤️ I hope I do and have done the same for them. I really feel like they are my kids – I want to protect them and have them be smart and the best they can – I believe in them, they are REALLY great kids!!! I love this job!

Gnite ✌️

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